


Saturday 3 a.m

by calissequecestmignon



Series: Daily dose of Oliver and Connor [7]
Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-14
Updated: 2015-03-14
Packaged: 2018-03-17 19:27:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3541229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calissequecestmignon/pseuds/calissequecestmignon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one can sleep.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Saturday 3 a.m

Saturday 3 a.m  in the living room

(Connor in  **bold** , Oliver in plain)

Hey

**Hey**.

Not asleep, I guess

**No, just listening to some music**.

What are you listening to? Take out the headphones, let me hear.

**JJ Cale.**

Really?

**My mom used to really like him. When I was little, I would lie in bed at night and be able to hear it from the other room. It's kind of soothing.**

Can I sit here with you?

**Sure.**

Can I talk?

**Sure.**

Will you listen?

**Yes**

I'm not sure how to explain this to you. I've been lying there trying to figure out how to make sense of it. So I'm just going to jump right in.

**Okay.**

 I lived with Josh for nearly four years like I told you. The last year was not good. He wanted to get married. I knew I couldn't marry him. I said we were too young but the truth is I didn't love him enough. Or in the right way. Whatever it was, I knew it wasn't going to happen and so I was still living with him in a committed relationship but I didn't feel committed anymore. I knew it was going to end I just didn't know when exactly. I didn't really want to stay, I didn't want to go, or at least, I couldn't bring myself to leave. Josh was happy with me one day, hated me the next and we were baiting each other all the time with these little periods of calm in between. While we were in this bad zone, I met Ryan.

I met him at a party. I was there with Josh. Ryan was a friend of a friend.  He was also in IT and we started out talking about work things. Then we had lunch together a few times and I convinced myself it wasn't cheating because I didn't have sex with him. Then we would kiss, and, just like you said, a bit of frustrated groping. And I didn't need to bother trying to fix things with Josh anymore but I didn't break up with him either. It went on like that for a couple of months until Josh got fed up, he suspected something was up but in any case, he was done with me. He asked me to leave.  I stayed with Molly for about a week then I moved in with Ryan.

Of course, Josh found out that I was living there--our world wasn't that big. He was pissed off and felt that I had lied to him, which, of course, I had but I convinced myself that our relationship wasn't the real thing and so it was all for the best that I moved on to Ryan.

And so I lived with Ryan for a couple of years --not quite two years actually--and eventually things weren't as good, we fought a lot, we stopped having much sex, he started going out without me and I started going out without him. I knew it was going to be over soon. I met Matt and started seeing him while I was still living with Ryan. We talked about living together, his lease was up and he wanted to find a bigger place. So I left Ryan and moved in with Matt.

And it was the same thing. I was sure I was in love, I was sure this was the real thing, this was 'it', whatever 'it' means. And the same thing happened-after about a year or so, I wasn't sure anymore, things weren't going well with Matt. Then through some friends, I met Jake.

But by this time, even I could see the pattern. Molly convinced me that I needed to find a way that didn't involve me moving from one guy to the next. I left Matt and moved in here. By myself. Jake and I split up.

I had been here for almost a year, learning to be alone,  working on my own issues, trying to figure out what the fuck I wanted and why I do the things I do and then I met you at the bar and ...

You know what I felt when I was talking to Michaela? I felt left out. That's mostly what I felt. That here you are, the most important person in the world to me, and this big meaningful event in your life was something I really knew nothing about. Michaela knew, Aiden knew, but I knew nothing. There's all these little pieces of you that are unknowable to me because you won't share with me and it makes me feel so ...left out. I know loving you doesn't give me the right to own all the pieces of you. I know that intellectually but.... It really hurt my feelings and as you saw today, or was it yesterday now, when my feelings are hurt I can be a bit of an ass. I want to be in. I want to be in that inner circle. I want to be the one who knows you best, more than anyone else.

Isn't that how it is so much of the time? We come to people with our own stories but their stories can make us afraid. Or our own stories make us afraid. I didn't want you to know that I had lived with those three guys because I didn't want you to doubt how incredibly special you are to me. But you are special to me.

So I just was lying in bed thinking all these things. I wanted to try to explain myself to you.

So. I think if you keep sitting there not saying anything I may never shut up. I know I'm talking a lot and really fast but I do that sometimes when I get nervous. So if you could say something...

**I think that what has happened here is that we've moved too far, too fast.**

What?

**Everything just happened really fast and maybe that wasn't the best thing.**

But Connor...

**I need to get some sleep, Oliver. I'm tired, you're tired.**

But are we okay?

**Let's get some sleep and sort this in the morning.**

Why can't we sort this now?

**I need to sleep. I can't talk anymore. I don't want to talk anymore tonight. I want to go to bed.**

Alright.  We'll go to bed.

**But just, like,  keep on your side. No sex. I mean it.**

Oh.

 


End file.
